Still learning to pray :o)

I was talking to a friend last night about prayer; and how hard it is sometimes. We both agreed that in a lot of instances the reason we don’t pray is because we don’t really expect God to do anything about it. I know that must sound terrible to those of you reading, but maybe, just maybe, you too have felt this way. It’s not that I doubt God’s ability to do something. I am well aware that my God is the creator of the universe and the savior of the world. He can do anything. What I doubt is that my prayer matters. Oh, I don’t think “my prayer doesn’t matter to God.” There are plenty of scriptures that dispute this fact. (Deut. 4:7 says he’s near us when we pray; 2 Ch 7:15 says he sees and hears our prayers; Rom. 8:26 says he helps us to pray; and most pertinent to my current problem, Matthew 21:22 says “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in my name.”) But my failure to pray for certain things demonstrates this belief--or perhaps more accurately, my lack of faith.

Please do not read this post wrong. I am not depressed or in a bad place spiritually. Quite the opposite, I am loving getting to know my Savior better and I am excited about the place He has brought me to share his love.

Before I moved to Poltava, it was a dream. And therefore, anything was possible. And I could see it so clearly. I knew my future was here. Now I have arrived and that is incredible in and of itself; but, it has caused perspective to change. The dream has become a reality. Stepping into reality, those endless possibilities have become hazy as I search for the path I once saw so clearly.

It’s like when you look down on a city from an airplane. You can see how all the roads connect and understand the info structure of the city, but when you land, and need to find a certain road or building or park or whatever, you’re not sure how to get there. From the air you could see it, but now you’re surrounded by the unknown and are unsure which way to go. You need a map :o)

My map, thus far, on my journey, has only ever been truly illuminated by the light of scripture and prayer. And so despite my fears of inadequacy or unworthiness (both of which I am and am not. Scripture tells me that it is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me.) I continue to pray…

Trusting.

Keeping with the Egypt theme that I seem to have been on for the past several weeks, Ginny Owens sings a song that’s first verse and chorus say:

“No, Lord” he said,
“You’ve got the wrong guy.
Simple conversation gets me tongue tied
And you’re telling me to speak with a maniac king.
Or could it be, I’ve lost my mind
Besides I am weak don’t you want someone strong
To lead them out of Egypt when they’ve been there so long.
And anyway they won’t believe you ever spoke to me”
“It’s not your problem.” God replied
And the rest is history.

“There’s a bigger picture you can’t see.
You don’t have to change the world just trust in me.
Cause I am your creator I am working out my plan
And through you I’ll show them I Am.”

How refreshing it is to remember that the ‘giants’ of scripture struggled with many of the same things we struggle with. I mean, Moses had a bush in flames talking to him, and he was still unsure…and yet sure enough to listen. Moses doubted his own abilities. And he told God this. But, Moses trusted God more than he trusted what he thought or felt. And because Moses listened to God he was able to not only watch God perform amazing miracles, but to be used in the midst of those miracles.

I am scared. I can’t see the next step. More than once I’ve told God he’s crazy. More than once I’ve brought up my lack of language skills, my uncertainty in leadership, my fear of people. But every time I come back fact that more than I trust myself, I trust him. He has been so faithful in everything. And with all that he has done to move me to this place (both physically and spiritually) I would be the crazy one if I thought that what I can see behind me could ever be better than what I can’t see in front of me.

And so, I hold my breath a little, reach out my hand to the one that I know is in front of me even when I cannot see it, and begin to put one foot in front of the other.

I trust. In him.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

-Sara Groves

I've never actually heard this song, but a friend sent it to me and the words just so totally spoke my heart in the moment I received it.

Maybe you read my post about summer.  At the end of it I mentioned that the pastor preached about the Israelites and their desire to return to what they knew rather than keep heading to what they could not yet see.  In the past couple weeks I have related to them on many levels.  I'm no good at waiting.  (Maybe that's part of the reason I'm here...)  But, "I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen" and I wait, trusting him.  Because he is perfect.

My Weekend In Kiev

Many of you know about the craziness with my debit card and trying to get that situation fixed. THANK YOU for your prayers on my behalf. It looks like that adventure is coming to a close. Insurance covered my losses. I need to drop a few more documents off at the police department here in Poltava and figure out how to get my new debit card across the ocean. But, the drama is basically over :o)

In the middle of afore mentioned crisis my mom sent me an e-mail reminding me to praise God. I am blessed to have a mom who “gets it.” I know she was over there in Tallahassee freaking out about the whole situation and wishing she could help me (even though she was helping me more than she will ever know). But somewhere in the middle of her struggle, when maybe she wasn’t sure herself about how to respond, she knew to remind me to praise him.

And though my weekend was still stressful, I was able to look past the craziness of it and say “ok, so I have to go to Kiev this weekend. Let’s make the most of our time there.” And that was good.

How I deal with stressful situations: take a deep breath and plow forward, taking care of everything I can take care of and trying not to think about the things I have no control over until eventually it’s all too much and I can’t take it anymore…then I call a friend and either cry or yell for a duration of time that those who have been subject to said phone calls have taken to calling “two minutes.” The “too much” this time around was when the embassy accidentally stuck my passport in with someone else’s docs and spent 30 mins trying to find it and asking me if I was sure they hadn’t handed it back to me. The recipient of the “two minute” phone call was Oleg Magdych who heroically came and picked me up, helped me finish what I needed to do and took me home to rest and spend time with his family—always a pick me up ;o)

Emily and the Beckets graciously hosted me while I was in Kiev and we, as always, had good conversations about life and what God is doing.

Also saw Michelle, whom I had only seen once since I got back from the states in June. She and I understand each other ministry wise in a lot of ways, so I always enjoy time with her.

Sunday Bob and JoAnn were back so I got to see them. And then headed to meet Pasha, and, in effect, some of the New Life kids. It was a crazy afternoon which ended in my epic failing at CounterStrike. But it was totally worth it.

Monday, I returned to Poltava. And that is another post for another day…with pictures to come :o)