a lesson in listening and letting go...

The past several weeks I’ve been really restless. Tired of traveling. Wanting to just BE somewhere—anywhere, really. That is not like me. I love to travel. I love to be busy and on the go. Usually it energizes me. And it hasn’t been. Last week I even thought to myself, maybe it’s ‘cause I’m getting older…maybe I’m finally growing up—something I vowed long ago to never do.

I’ve been reading my Bible and spending time with God, but it’s felt distant and I don’t like it. I told him that and wrote it in my journal more than once this week. I asked him to show me what was wrong. That I wanted to make things right and I wanted to know that we were walking this together. That I was where he would have me to be.

This morning as I sat in my kitchen with my coffee and my Bible and read about Lydia taking in Paul and Silas and then how they were thrown in jail and then how the earthquake freed them, but they didn’t leave and how the guard came to know Christ through that and I began to think about how attentively they must have been listening to God. Because if I was in jail and an earthquake broke my chains, I think I’d take that as a sign from God to leave. And I thought “God, I want to hear Your voice above circumstance” and a whisper in my ear said “You did.” And I thought, “I know, God, that’s what I’m saying, I used to hear you so clearly. I used to know when to step and what to do and I wasn’t worried about what other people thought or even what it would mean for me personally. I heard and I listened and I followed and it was GOOD. What changed?” And my thoughts jumped back to the last thing I clearly heard, “move to Lugansk.” And then I heard his voice again, soft and gentle and clear, “Lori, you didn’t stop hearing. I didn’t stop speaking. You stopped listening.”

And he’s right of course. I heard Him. And I listened enough to share with a few friends and family members that I thought I would one day in the future be moving to Lugansk. Several of them confessed that they had seen that coming. Several circumstances began to make it clear that this was a pretty logical direction—needing to sell the apartment in Poltava, Shane and Marilyn’s sweet offer of a place to stay, relationships continuing to build with people there. And still I stayed.

See, I had plans here. Things I wanted to do first. I had had “vision” and I wasn’t done. What about the kids at the orphanage? What about my English students? (thoughts linger to the gospels and then man who was called by Jesus and said “ok, but first let me go burry my father” and then another man who said “ok, but first let me go tell my family goodbye.” That was exactly what I had been doing. I heard God and my answer was, “Yes, Lord, I will follow You, but first…”)

And besides, what are people going to think if I just jump up and run off to another city? But this morning as I cried and apologized for not jumping and running the second I heard his voice he reminded me that his ways are not my ways and his thoughts as so much higher than mine. And as he whispered his love I was reassured that his love for the people I was concerned for was far deeper than mine and who am I to think that he can’t take care of them without my being here? He is orchestrating a beautiful story and I see only a small piece of that. I am reminded that he is in control and that He is working all things together for His glory.

I don’t know what I missed out on by not moving to Lugansk sooner. And God is good and He has allowed me to be a part of things he is doing here in Poltava even in my disobedience. But I have heard his voice [again] and it’s time to let go of the things that are holding me here…

This time I’ve got to trust You,
I’ve got to accept Your plan.
I have tried to guide my circumstance,
But there’s just no way I can.

When will I learn this lesson?
Your ways are not like mine.
Lord, help me to surrender the control I try to have on my life.

When I let it go
You take my hand and gently lead me
Then you let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never ending blessings like a river start to flow
When I let it go

Too many times I’m searching
For the things I think I need
When I try to look for more
I always seem to give You less of me

Lord, help me gain the wisdom
My foolish mind still lacks
Till I find a way to let go of the part of me I’m holding back

When I let it go
You take my hand and gently lead me
Then you let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never ending blessings like a river start to flow
When I let it go

-Sierra